Clouds

“Compared to clouds,

life rests on solid ground, 

practically permanent, almost eternal…”

-Wislawa Szymborska-

I’m not sure I’ve ever felt a real, true sense of security that I am firmly tethered to the ground. There have been enough moments in life that have swept me away on their wavelengths, either for good or for bad. Times I am sure I let life take the reins and told myself: if I just flow with it, what is the worst that could happen? 

From this I’ve learned one simple lesson: the mentality of “things will just work out” works some of the time, but not all of the time. There are those moments when, upon reflection, it’s obvious that a more proactive and logical-rational approach would have been the smarter route to take. And, of course, hindsight is 20/20. There’s no use in looking back on moments I felt untethered as dire mistakes of reasoning. I believe that mistakes do make me stronger, even if some of them have left me a little bit worse the wear.

I’ve felt driftless and alone many times in my life; at those times, I identified more with a cloud than anything else. Life rarely feels like it’s standing still for me. I feel always in motion, and sometimes I feel I am moving too fast or too far beyond the comfortable spaces I know. In those moments, I have mostly relied on other things, or people, to bring me back to reality. 

In her outstanding book on living with anxiety, First We Make the Beast Beautiful, Sarah Wilson remarks on the impact of relying on others  to be our emotional tethers. She writes about how her anxiety has made her feel untethered from life, and needing something or someone outside of herself to bring her back down, to help her feel a sense of being balanced and secure. She relates that this can be hard for the people around us who are able or willing to be that positive grounding force that we anxious folk may need from time to time. 

I worry that the people in my life who have provided this service (perhaps without realizing they were doing so) felt the weight of being a grounding force for another human being. On the flip side, I wonder if I’ve ever been able to be the reminder of solid ground for anyone in my life; as a bit of an empath, I know it can be challenging for me to provide the support or security needed by others when they are facing tough times- it’s a vulnerable place for me. I’m working on it, I try my best to be present and supportive however I can. 

Life is, at its essence, fleeting. For me, there is little sense of permanence or anything everlasting about the time that we have. It slips away faster than I want to acknowledge, and I wish without reservation there could be a way for it to stretch and expand in perpetuity- so the moments which bring me joy would last longer and I could more fully relish the beauty of passing things. 

Still, I’m grateful for the moments I’ve had and continue to have to enjoy life as it happens- as the seconds pass and years fly by, it just gets more and more precious. Gonna hang on tight to what time I’ve got.

Note: Originally written November 2019, lightly edited January 2020